Reflections

It's not often I post something in a more serious tone. After all, our blog does have "nitwits" in it to represent not taking life too seriously. Sometimes, though, I come across something that takes my mind to deeper matters. Friday I found this video on ldsinfertility.org (watch only if you don't mind crying).


I immediately jumped back 12 years or so when we wondered if we were an infertile couple. Okay, obviously we weren't...after all Kaitlyn told me just the other day that the reason she didn't call me when she felt sick at school was because I have "all those kids" to take care of and she didn't want to add to my burden! Oh, brother!! I had to tell her that we have each of them because we WANTED each of them, and asked her please not to say things like that in public! Since we do have children, does that put us in the camp of people who just could never understand infertility? I don't know, but I do remember our struggles.

With 3/4 of our children we have sought infertility counsel from doctors, specialists, genetic counselers, etc. etc. We didn't know why we couldn't have the children we desired. In fact, we never found out what the problem is. I think the doctors diagnosed, "unexplained infertility".

Our first experience with this was while Jared was a student at BYU. After a year and a half of eagerly waiting for a pregnancy, we were excited to find out that indeed we were finally having a baby! 12 weeks later we lost that baby. It still is an ache in our hearts and we still have unanswered questions. Was there a spirit for that little body? We don't know. Shortly after this loss, Disney's "Tarzan" came out. We went to see it and sobbed as we heard the lyrics, "You'll be in my heart now and forever" referring to the baby Tarzan. That's how we felt. That's how we still feel. I'm tearing up as I type this now.

Well, at least we knew we could achieve a pregnancy. We thought we'd surely be expecting another baby soon. Nope. It took another year before we were expecting again.

After she was born, we thought the "perfect" spacing for our children would be about 2 years apart. Ha! Back to the doctor's in Michigan we went when our plans were not happening. We were scheduled for a laparoscopy to try to figure things out, and found out we were expecting Kaitlyn. We were thrilled and she was born when Leah had just turned 3.

Then, in Connecticut, we again got to try our hand with medical advice. No answers again, but Hyrum joined our family almost 4 years after Kaitlyn.

At least Amy came on time! :)

So, I know we don't understand the pain of infertility completely because we have 4 beautiful children. Still, I have compassion for others going through their trials of infertility. It's funny because I've heard from infertile couples that one of the hardest parts of this trial is others' judgments of them. They receive comments about how they shouldn't be putting off having children for school, work, etc. I guess I'm an oddball, because when I see a couple who doesn't have children, I always assume it just hasn't worked for them yet.

Things I've learned from our experiences...life works out the way it is supposed to. The spacing of our children worked out better than if I had had my way. We have a loving Heavenly Father, and He's in charge. He'll help us when life is going well, and He'll help when we are struggling so much it's hard to not just curl up in a ball and give up. I've learned to try not to assume I know what someone is going through. Very likely I don't. I've tried to just have compassion.

Okay, enough of my reflections...it's time to be grateful for the lessons I've learned, acknowledge that life is painful and truly truly difficult at times, and keep pressing forward.

Here's to hoping that others' burdens are made light!